This month has sucked balls. Like it’s not been all bad, there has been meaningful/good things that have happened too, but it’s been a while since I had a month this bad with my health. If it’s not my fatigue (which it almost always is), then it’s a GI flare that decided to hop on board, if it isn’t either of those it’s an attack of insomnia or bad mental health. If it’s an unlucky day it’s all of them together. There is a word that a lover of mine uses to describe these moments to differentiate them from survival, she calls these times ones of Enduring. Sadly I can’t really do the full definition/reason justice right now, but you’ll just have to take my word that it’s a beautiful thing to hear her talk about and hear the passion for life in her voice.
Either way with all the flares going on I’ve had practically no spoons or space for art. Which is especially frustrating as I have the passion and interest for it, but I’m committed to being sustainable in what I’m doing. So that means respecting my body when it tells me that it doesn’t have anything more to give(instead of trying to squeeze out one more project before I crash).
I do find myself wondering how long can I keep pushing my body this way. I know that I’ve already passed a bunch of warning signs a long time ago, but I’m carrying on because that’s what is needed of me. I dream of a time when I can rest, and maybe go over to a part time job. Re-learn how to live and function with my body. I’m so tired I can barely even manage my day to day care, and I can’t manage to doctors appointments because they’re too much work. So many dreams, and for now I endure for the dream of someday.
I wanted to have something more upbeat to write, something happier or more exciting, but also part of why I have this blog is to record when things aren’t great either. On the plus side of things I did manage to finally record a video before the end of the month. Which I was really hoping to be able to do. I’ll share the link to it at the bottom of this post.
I have plenty of thoughts to share some other time about how things are going with the channel and where I think it might go, or for that matter my dreams for later, but that is all for another post. For now if you’re reading this I hope you’re able to find some comfort and peace in this day or one soon.