For a variety of reasons I’ve conditioned myself and been conditioned in life to minimize my dreams. In many ways dreams are dangerous. They open the gateway to change and disruption, something risky. They also connect back to desire for the potential of life. It’s much easier to stay in stasis with the status quo with desire at a minimum. However I probably don’t need to tell you that cycle of repression is harmful. In a very real sense dreams are a lifeblood for me to continue being, and so I am seeking to allow myself dreams again. Some big, some small, but I wanted to share one of them with you today.
I’ve talked around this dream already in a few other posts but today I want to delve deeper into it. First however I need to address the present. In my present circumstances I am the primary (and for a long time sole) financial support for my family. As part of that I work full time in a job that is out of alignment with myself, and is particularly straining on me from the impacts it has on my sleep schedule/body. I do the work because I believe that is what is expected of me, but my time of being able to continue down that path is rapidly dwindling.
Part of why it is dwindling is that I’m regularly managing only 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I’m not going into the specifics as to why here, but it’s something that I’ve been fighting with for over a year. I recently took a 4 day weekend off from work to dedicate to rest and recovery as the burnout was becoming a problem. The help from it was profound. I still have my flares and troubles, but I could feel myself actually starting to slowly regain reserves again because I was giving myself long dedicated recovery time. Soon the break will be over and I’ll need to return to the old schedule.
So lets dig into that dream of mine now. Broad strokes I dream of whatever I’m doing for work allowing me to follow the schedule of my body. I dream of a time when I can regularly sleep when my body needs to sleep without fear of needing to set an alarm that will disrupt the pattern it finds. I dream of a profession that does not leave me feeling existentially exhausted or feeling perpetually on a limb of consequence. I can only handle the moral exhaustion of the corporate world so much.
In problem solving around this I have considered a number of potentials. I’ve braced myself for needing to go into an office regularly again, or commuting. But those are logistical practicalities. Going back to dreams, I am dreaming of a work that means I don’t need to commute regularly or travel to do, and can be done despite how my health is doing. As difficult as it is I also dream of a time when I’m not the primary support for my family, where I can focus on bringing in what I can for covering my part of expenses and know that there is collective support.
In a perfect world I would like to see my work as a content creator take the place of providing these things for me. My channel was recently monetized and based on the statistics I’m seeing from it things are honestly more promising looking than I was braced for. I don’t really see a way that it could fully replace my current job for the family within the next year, but it could likely reach the point of paying comfortably for my share of things.
Honestly I would love for that to work out well, especially in the next few months. That could mean I could finally start getting the rest I need and it would probably mean that I finally have the resources to start improving my body’s health overall(such as being able to make it to doctors appointments/etc).
Either way for now I am considering what does long term wellness look for me. How do I make a life for myself that is beyond just next month’s survival but looking at the sustainability of several years. I have plenty other possible dreams & thoughts, but this post is long enough already. In a way I’m also trying to set a course for myself of somehow making this happen.
Also here is a link to my most recent video I made for those who are feeling overwhelmed about current events in the world.